♥ Life never turns out the way you want it to be

♥Saturday, 30 June 2007

Dear Diary ♥

jus got hme frm wrk an hr ago.when i start wrk today i stil feel like crying i dunno y.maybe cos i feel so lonely at wrk n thought of him much more when i was wrking.vomited once today cos my stomach is not doing very well lately.did cried but is much lesser compared to the first few days.was talking to sheeqah about wat happened lately n she told me about her husband n i feel more sorry for her than myself.if the guys r playing ard with us..afterall i'm not married but she is n the onli step for her is divorce n mine is jus to forget wat has happened.tmr is a long day for me with the company of my two close frens..yippy n qier.they specially reserved the day jus to accompany me.think their plan is to go chill out at iguana cafe n drink til late nite.lately i am starting to feel tat maybe he is jus playing ard with me afterall.cos everyone is telling me tat..n afterall he is a chiongster n he got the looks..so y am i stil trusting n believing him so much up til now..haiz...i duno anything anymore.really dunno.its in the past.so tired of life now..its jus wrk n study.sun will be a drinking nite for me again.meiyi said to bring 6 bottles n make sure i drink all up..i think 1 bottle is enough to make me slp.today was supposed to accompany him when his parents r at genting but everything is onli plan when we r together.we did planned to go to ying chalet together but its not possible now.today meiyi mentioned the kukup trip n i thought of him again cos we also plan to go overseas together but everything is jus a dream.not gonna happened at all anymore.everything for tis wkend was planned so ahead...but the future is unpredictable..so i'm not gonna plan for my future anymore..wats the use of planning when everything nv goes according to plan..haiz...i'm gonna retired for the nite for drinking tmr n sun..sand n ying thanks for accompanying me the past wk n maybe the coming wk or month or so.both of u have been really really really great.thanks.

♥Blogged @

3:05 am

♥Friday, 29 June 2007

Dear Diary ♥

everyone is still slping.sand n jianhong.while i have been sitting in front of the com dunno wat to do for 2 hrs.cant check my msg n missed call cos my hp jus cant be switched on.dunno whether shld i go to wrk later straight away or go hme first.i dun feel like going hme at all.but i'm without a phone now n i'm scared my family will worri.i stil feel like going clubbing tis wkend.maybe to show him i am enjoying myself or maybe to forget for the nite.whenever i'm online i will always look for his msn nick, read his friendster, whosgoing, wholivesnearyou n blog as well.tis has become a routine.i jus wanna c if he is doing fine.maybe it is stil the old saying..u jus wan the person u love to be happy.sometimes i jus wish he reads my blog n sometimes i dun wish he reads.cos i dun wan him to c me in such a state stil not getting over him.while sometimes i jus wish him to c it so tat he will feel guilty for the hurt he has done to me.but i dun think he will if he is jus playing ard.for the moment i dun wish to think of anything.if he happens to read it then be it.i think i am seriously not up for relationships anymore..jus wanna flirt ard n get over the things as fast as possible.although i'm not gd at flirting but i will try...especially during clubbing...tats the time tat i wont have time to think...n i really enjoyed clubbing lately..

♥Blogged @

12:04 pm

♥

Dear Diary ♥

was contactless for the whole of ytd n i think today as well.didnt go hme.stay overnite at a fren hse n now i am stil there.avoid going online in the evening n nites in order not to c him online n bring back those memories.although my tears have stop but my feelings r numb now.i cannot make myself laugh out loud like i used to or smile anymore..totally emotionless n numb.really really numb.even if i laugh..i dun feel happy laughing at all.n i cannot think anymore..whenever i start thinking..he will be the first in my thoughts.when i'm walking on the streets..all i do is onli stare blankly ahead or on the ground n continue to my destination.like a walking corpse.this has nv happened before n y is this happening to me now.i am starting to think of all the bad things about him tat afterall he is jus playing ard but yet i cant forget the gd things we had.y can he put everything down so easily if he is really in love with me.y can he ignore the state i am in now if he is really in love with me.y can he totally cut off all contacts between us if he really is in love with me.y can he stil stand there so strongly after wat happened if he is really in love with me.i jus kept asking myself these ques whenever i think of him.tis is the onli way out now.

♥Blogged @

10:22 am

♥Thursday, 28 June 2007

Dear Diary ♥

i'm yet again lost.very very lost..i lost 2 most important things within a wk.i nv lost my hp before..but i lost it last nite when i was clubbing.my fren stil put it into my bag before leaving the place.n i sat down outside to vomit a while before i left the place.maybe i drop it there n someone already pick up.before i alight frm the cab the cab uncle stil ask me whether i got leave my hp behind then i check my bag n i saw my hp strap n i thought my hp was inside who knos when i reach hme i found it missing.was supposed to go st james, dbl o n zouk.st james is becos liwen is there but in the end i put her aeroplane.i'm really sorry for it.n we didnt go zouk either cos maine was supposed to meet her fren there but after going dbl o we were like almost drunk.but everyone is waiting for me at velvet dragon so in the end we onli went frm double o to velvet dragon.although velvet dragon reminds me of him i stil went cos i kno he wont be going there ytd nite.i was very very very very drunk.i vomited at least 5 times.onli water come out.while maine vomited food.tats wat they told me.cant remember.it was like hell.a group of guys stil came n kno me n my fren at dbl o.me n maine was too drunk to ignore them.we entertain them , smoke n drink with them.i nv smoke a cigarette before n ytd is the first time i try cigarettes and i cant remember i smoke how many.countless.i onli remember i drank alot of shots.they stil ask us to go velvet dragon with them on sat nite.we xchange no. cos they seem harmless.reach hme last nite n straight away go to bed without removing my makeup or changing my clothes cos i was really really really drunk.i onli wake up in the morning at 8 n start to worry about my hp.onli slept like less than 5 hrs but i am stil energetic.no hangovers at all jus tat i keep downing drinks in the fridge.be it milk, juices, green tea..but it make me more thirsty.everything was inside the hp.n i cant contact anyone anymore.but his no. is stil fresh in my mind.i'm worried now.i'm worried i got a project meeting with my new frens which i haven met them before.all their contacts is in the hp..i didnt go for the first meeting already.if i dun go today again...they will surely not be happy with me.i'm really lost...wat can i do now..can someone tell me n teach me..i'm now onli glad of one thing..tat is i used to cant bear to delete his msgs n pictures.now i dun haf to anymore.everything is gone again in one nite.my memories..

♥Blogged @

8:44 am

♥Wednesday, 27 June 2007

Dear Diary ♥

2nd diarrhoea of the day.tried to nap a while in the noon cos no one is free to accompany me today.while napping i suddenly was frightened awake..i suddenly got the feeling tat i am losing something but i dunno wat..i immediately went to the com to c wat is wrong.when i feels more awake i realise all had been a dream.i was so frightened..really frightened at that point of time.i guess it is this thing tat has happened tat make me even dream of it.i have lose him tats y even when i slp i dream of losing something.up til now i stil can remember the smell of him..the way he holds my hand..the way he kiss me n the way he hug me..i cant even bear to delete the msg n the photos inside my hp although i kno everything is in the past.sometimes i cant even bear to look at my hp.cos i kno i will jus scroll to his old msgs n read them n i will cry again.n i jus did it once today.i really hope things go back to normal faster..i'm going club hopping later again to pass the nite faster cos nite is the most difficult time of the day although i dun really like clubbing.tis is the onli place i can pen down my feelings everyday even if no one reads it i wil stil continue writing so tat i wont coup everything up inside me n burst one day.

♥Blogged @

6:16 pm

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Dear Diary ♥

found tis pic in my hp n got no impression when it was taken.but it is definitely not my hand.it is his...wearing my ring.n i once said tat tis ring is my token of love for him.sounds foolish.woke up in the morning at 830 n was running for the toilet.had diarrhoea but nuttin come out onli water becos i think there is no food inside for it to digest.same thing for ytd morning.now feeling so weak but i dun care.still wanna find programmes for later and clubbing for tonite.most likely going powerhouse tonite..cos velvet dragon reminds me of him.haiz..he told me he dun like me to go clubbing but now it doesnt matter anymore cos he dun cares about me or love me like he used to.i jus msg him to kno the real reason behind our breakup be it his parents or if he is jus playing ard.he finally told me the truth n i trust tat tis is the real reason cos i cant find any point for him to tell lies at tis moment.the reason is tat his parents think tat our age gap is a problem.n he himself wan to maintain the relationship with his parents.plus after the separation tis few days..he starting to feel tat he dun exactly love me tat much n maybe its jus a crush.maybe it is for him but it is not definitely for me.if it is jus a crush i wont cry so much over the past few days.he keeps saying sorry..but wat can sorry do to me now?i am yet crying again now although i wan to be strong in front of him but i cannot do it anymore..the burden is too heavy for me to carry.....god pls don let me get hurt again....

♥Blogged @

9:12 am

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Dear Diary ♥

back home again..went to ying hse n was there the whole day.3 of them r sick yet i make them accompany me the whole day. i really feel so bad.so sorry guys.. ate porridge in the noon again cos i really dun feel like eating n everyone is asking me to eat.they force me to eat something in the evening although i insist i'm not hungry..but i kno they did it for my own gd.haiz...cried when on the way to ying hse in the bus n train..n did the same when on the way hme.even cried when i was walking hme.wanted to sit at the void deck n cry a while before i go home but i met my bro while walking hme so i jus had to go hme.but i did manage to control my tears when at ying hse cos i jus dun wan them to worry about me cos they haf been treating me real nice.tmr i got to register my subjects for nxt semester but i haven done anything yet n i almost totally forgot about it after so many things have happened during the wkend.i have been stoning for the whole day while at ying hse...my fren keep telling me how bad he is but no matter how bad i think of him i jus cant make myself hate him.i am tat soft hearted.hope tmr will be better..but i dun think it will..memories are still fresh in my mind...everything i do, everywhere i go jus makes me think of him..

♥Blogged @

2:39 am

♥Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Dear Diary ♥

earli morning wake up cried in bed..went to shower n cried again.was supposed to be in sch now having lessons but i jus wasnt in the mood to go sch..everybody wanted to accompany me today but i cant meet everybody in one day cos i am really scared the nxt few days i will be alone.tmr i am supposed to register for my 4th yr subs but i haven even plan the timetable cos i really got no mood to sit down n handle sch stuffs.maybe qi...i nid ur help tis time.lending me the timetable u plan.jus feel like dropping out of sch but tat is impossible given the money spent on me by my mother.wats the point of a cert..when u r not happy in life..n the cert might be an obstacle to ur happiness.he once mention tat his parents got ask him whether he feel tat he is inferior becos i am an undergraduate and he is onli a private diploma.does it matter?me n my parents dun mind so y shld anybody mind.my parents jus wan me to be happy..but i dun think i am now.i feel so miserable..tis is the 4th day but nuttin changed.i haven feel better nor forget him one bit.its still like waking up frm a sweet dream.everything is so short..its really like a dream!its so real yet everything is gone in one nite.going out soon to keep myself occupied for the day.feel like drinking to drown my sorrows.i think if nobody is free to accompany me in the nxt few days i will jus go out n shop alone and if no frens is free to club with me on wed i jus might go alone drinking.tis is how desperate i am to get myself occupied in order not to think of the past.i feel like staying at a fren hse n nv coming hme.cos at least when i'm outside i can cry without my family members knowing.when i'm at hme i can onli cry when nobody is ard..in the shower..in bed..

♥Blogged @

10:27 am

♥

Dear Diary ♥

jus got back frm wrk..got drenched in the rain..wanted to get totally drenched but the van uncle jus wont let me alight at the front saying tat the rain is too big.the bigger the better is wat i wan.not going to bath although my hair is quite wet now..cos i jus wanna make myself fall sick.feeling so cold now.whole day at wrk was like in hell.cried on the train there thinking of the time he send me to wrk once.maybe ppl r looking at me but i dun care anymore.cried when i reach wrk place and was talking to meiyi.she heard my voice turning weird n immediately came over to my side of the lockers to console me.started wrk at 5 n dunno cried how many times all the way till 12mn.everyone was talking to me yet i dun haf the mood to talk to them.everyone sense something is wrong with me but they jus dun dare to probe cos tis is not the usual me.i usually joke ard with them n smile alot but today i cant make myself to even put on a fake smile or talk more than 2 sentences.even the AMs sense something wrong and ask me..n i immediately broke down..in the end i got to pass over to another person to continue serving the table.i'm sorry about it but i jus cannot control the tears.everything i do tis few days jus reminds me of him.even during wrk..cos he used to sms me constantly when i'm wrking.whole day onli ate a small portion of potato salad.dunno wat is happening to me..i wish to slim down but not in this way..but now i really got no choice.he msg me ard 8 plus..requesting me to remove the picture of me n him.i really dun wan to..but i think i got no choice again.tis few days i am always left with no choice n tis is not wat i wan.i wan the both of us to be happy n yet i cant do anything more.he jus wan to hide so tat the problem will be solved.i can c he is not doing well either trying to forget me in all ways n means.now everyone even him is asking me to forget about him and i am already trying very hard but i stil cant.it is not as if i am not trying..but its real hard.everything i do, hear or see reminds me of him.i am seriously intoxicated and infected..can someone come along n save me?if not..i am jus gonna collapse soon..

♥Blogged @

1:28 am

♥Monday, 25 June 2007

Dear Diary ♥

crying crying cryin again.i think i am really gonna make myself busy n tired for the nxt few days.i really gonna control myself frm msging him if not i think we cant even be frens.i wont ever wan to be alone at hme in the nxt few days..make myself busy with wrk n play.playing til the middle of the nite until i'm real tired before i go hme n rest.sorri frens..gonna really nid u guys alot tis few days.lost 4 kg in 2 days..haven eaten much.jus half a bowl of rice, a few pieces of steamboat food and half a bowl of porridge in 2 days.i think i had drank more than i eat.i'm gonna go prepare for wrk soon..jus hope i dun break down at wrk..n hope wrk can wear me out..

♥Blogged @

2:16 pm

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Dear Diary ♥

suddenly feel like posting one pics of him n me taken when we r together.although we r not anymore.but it will remain as a sweet memory for me..maybe not for him..tis is one of the pics tat onli got uploaded to my msn after we broke up.funny.(sorry ppl i jus got to remove the picture..as requested by him.it is not his fault..dun blame him.he jus wan me to forget him in the shortest time possible.)

♥Blogged @

11:48 am

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Dear Diary ♥

cant slp now..slept at 5 last nite.woke up by drilling noises at 8 in the morning n was in bed again thinking.then tears start to fall again.i cannot control myself n yet i sms him again.saying i love him n he replied asking me to tkcare.i dun think i will.i may not be going for serious relationship anymore in the future.flings maybe?i am not hurting myself but i jus dun wan to get hurt again.i dun expect anything more.jus let me do things the way my feelings is leading me to.tis is the onli way my feelings will slowly subside.i am crying now again.i really thought me n him can last long but i didnt expect things to have such a sharp turn so suddenly.i am so tired tired tired now..yet i cant slp..y is heaven doing tis to me..can tell me y...

♥Blogged @

9:38 am

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Dear Diary ♥

my eyes look so swollen frm crying and not slping for 24 hrs..taken after clubbing n drinking..a forced smile after crying..look at my neck..its full of rashes after drinking but i dun care anymore..

♥Blogged @

2:44 am

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Dear Diary ♥

i am back home thinking again.feel hungry yet cant get anything into my stomach.jus feel like vomiting when i c food.thanks friends for all ur company thru tis 2 days and ur consolation.i really appreciate it but i jus nid lots n lots of time.tis is my 4th post for the day.there is nowhere i can express my feelings and thoughts but here onli.i am writing tis n my eyes is watering again.frens..pls pardon me for being so emotional lately.we took alot of pictures and the pictures jus doesnt load when he send it to me.and the pictures suddenly appear after i broke with him.heaven always likes to play a joke on me.a cruel joke.i think i am numbing myself temporarily of all feelings in relationship in future.i am lost forever.my fren make me play mahjong to keep myself occupied n yet i cry in front of them on the mahjong table.nite is here n it is the most difficult time of the day to pass.home is also a place that i dun wan to be at for the moment but i stil got to come hme to not let my sisters and parents worry about me.if u ever read my blog..i kno u chose ur family over me n i dun blame u.family is forever and our love might not be forever.i will slowly put it down but now i stil cant.or maybe i will wait for u.i cannot predict the future.jus let time do the wrk.i really dunno anymore.i dun think i can find another one whom i love so much.although its been short.i really got so much things to say.today is the second day..i dunno how long more i will nid to get over it.u took 10 months and maybe i nid forever.i feel so giddy, hungry, feverish, and alot of emotions is flooding me now.but i stil dun wanna slp.nxt few days will be more difficult for me..with sch, wrk n everyone ard me asking wat happened.n i will break down and cry again and again explaining to frens and colleagues.i feel like dying but jus dun haf the courage to do so..and i stil got my family and friends.

♥Blogged @

12:39 am

♥Sunday, 24 June 2007

Dear Diary ♥

was eating steamboat with my frens halfway n i suddenly thought of him n i totally got no appetite.feel like vomiting now..haven gone hme since ytd.went clubbing last nite, drank not enough to make myself drunk so i went to my fren hse n continue drinking til i collapse..i really got no more appetite tis few days.haiz..wat is happening..

♥Blogged @

4:21 pm

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Dear Diary ♥

i jus feel like blogging blogging n blogging.i'm so tired of life..wanna cry yet i dun wan my frens to worry about me.i wanna hide somewhere n cry all day long.but if i am alone i will think of him and the things we did together.everything WAS so sweet.he was so sweet too.i am so lost..lost n lost.it nv happen to me before.y do i have to put in so much of my feelings when in the first place i already predicted something like tis will happen.i really think love is not forever.i really dun hope to fall in love again.i might always be waiting for him or i might numb myself of all feelings.i really feel like drinking all again.ytd i drank til i totally got no time to think of him.but tis wk is so long.i stil nid to go sch i really dunno wat to do.i scared i will cry in sch during lessons in front of frens i jus know.wat shld i do now.i already trying to make myself busy.tis wkend was supposed to be reserved for him n yet i am spending it crying.seriously i dunno y u have to do tis to me.even if u dun love me y do u have to hurt me like tis.can u tell me....we had so many plans before tis thing suddenly came crashing down on me.we were still having lunch happily n msging each other.when i wake up frm my slp n i saw ur sms its like the whole world collapse.my world is dark now.nuttin can be change.i dun wan time to turn back becos everything was so sweet, i onli wish ur parents have accepted me frm the startin.i wish u will come back to me one day but i kno it is not possible...jus a wish n i kno it will nv come true.i can see u have given up..i hope some god will grant me a wish now and my onli wish now is to be together with u.i am really so foolish and stupid.

♥Blogged @

12:04 pm

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Dear Diary ♥

i suddenly feel like writing down what i am feeling now so here i am writing my first entry in this blog.i really dunno y is heaven doing tis to me..make me so happy in my whole life and yet making me fall so hard.i have nv fallen so hard before.i really cannot let go and yet i have to.my friends have been very supportive accompanying me throughout although i kno i have to rely on myself to stand up.i think i jus nid time.i really thought i have found him but it dun seems to be so.i duno wat he feels cos he jus wont admit wat is wrong down here.his parents or himself.maybe it is jus too short for the both of us and i haven known him well enough yet i love him more than i love myself.he keeps telling me he is jus playing ard yet i still cannot believe wat he say n i rather believe my intuition that he jus dun wan to hurt his parents.i rather hurt myself than hurt him.this is how deep i have fallen.i think i might or never stand up at all again.i jus wanna let u kno i really love you alot even if u dun.

Labels: Fallen real hard

♥Blogged @

11:48 am